Showing posts with label despondency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label despondency. Show all posts

Saturday, May 5, 2012

A Dream Is A Wish (Your Heart Makes).



Harlem

BY LANGSTON HUGHES
What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up
      like a raisin in the sun?
      Or fester like a sore—
      And then run?
      Does it stink like rotten meat?
      Or crust and sugar over—
      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags
      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

   We know dreams are powerful. Literature and history and music and art are all brimming with themes dedicated to the raising of hope and the shuttering away of doubt. I first realized the hold that dreams can have through one of my favorite stories as a child, "The Little Match Girl" by Hans Christian Andersen. If you are not familiar with it, and you may not be, because you prefer bright sunshiney tales that feature unicorns and rainbows and pots of gold, it is sad. (Sad things and I go together like dubstep and hipsters in Park Slope.) Because I am lazy, I offer this, from Wikipedia:

On a cold New Year’s Eve, a poor girl tries to sell matches in the street. She is freezing badly, but she is afraid to go home because her father will beat her for not selling any matches. She takes shelter in a nook and lights the matches to warm herself. In their glow, she sees several lovely visions including a Christmas tree and a holiday feast. The girl looks skyward, sees a shooting star, and remembers her deceased grandmother saying that such a falling star means someone died and is going into Heaven. As she lights her next match, she sees a vision of her grandmother, the only person to have treated her with love and kindness. She strikes one match after another to keep the vision of her grandmother nearby for as long as she can. The child dies and her grandmother carries her soul to Heaven. The next morning, passers-by find the dead child in the nook. 



Nice, right? I know, I'm stretching here; it's not so much as a dream as vivid hallucinations brought on by hypothermia. The point is, The Little Match Girl held hope in her sooty little head, even if it was a false one, and it comforted her.
 .
But when does a dream become a burden? The June 2012 issue of Psychology Today features a wonderfully biting article by Augusten Burroughs titled, "How To Ditch a Dream".  Burroughs says:


"...(T)here are many, many people who do not need to be told to cling to their dreams; they need to have those fantasies wrenched from their little fists before they waste their entire lives trying to achieve them. 


I am one such person."


I laughed heartily at his familiar self-depreciating humor (thankfully, the article was free of his other hallmark: shockingly lurid descriptions of past abuses suffered at the hands of...oh, everyone) then stopped short. HE'S RIGHT!  I panicked. You are now reading a blog post, so chances are, dear reader, you are familiar with the internet, and the phenomenon known as YouTube. Or Facebook. Or, actually, Blogger. The internet is FULL of people who think they have talent (ahem, all kinds of talent, or so I hear from anecdotal evidence). You know that this is not so. Their talents are greatly exaggerated. Except for that one guy who...never mind. You understand. So what if I AM ONE OF THEM? (This, incidentally, is partially the reason for my departure from the blog. Not that one guy - the fear that I am a no-talent hack showing off.) But I digress.


When do we give up on our dreams? The real ones. The ones that keep us warm at night like the poor Little Match Girl, and the hopes that raise us afloat during the day, promising better tomorrows and ever afters? And how do we keep living when all hope seems lost? It's not in me to give up. So I won't. But I will always wonder if I'm doing the right thing.


(PS sorry I called you "dear reader". The only thing I dislike more that that is "What say you?" I will try to refrain heretofore.)







Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Open at the Close (or, Back to Black).


Before I begin, I would like to address this photo. It is of a sign on a little side street in Spain. I am not sure what it is, really. Here are a few ideas:

1. School Zone (BORING! But probably accurate.)
2. Beware of Businessmen (in shorts?), They Steal Girl Children
3. CrossFit Class Ahead (don't they carry those kettle weight things?)

So, back to the business at hand. Thanks to my children (yes, I am blaming them), I have seen The Deathly Hallows 2 twice in the past week. At the first viewing, I sobbed so hysterically my husband started to elbow me energetically (even though he had been warned that I would be crying, and would not like to be disturbed). He is uncomfortable at displays of emotion, which is quite inconvenient considering that he is married to perhaps the most emotional person on the planet. The second time I saw the movie, I was also unable to have complete catharsis due to the interjections of the ragamuffin sitting behind me. At EVERY sad or supposedly scary part in the action, he would burst into uncontrolled laughter, yelling out, "That was SO FUNNY!"

And I needed that catharsis. It has been a rough week in general, and add to that the kidnapped boy in Brooklyn, the bombings in Norway, and even the death of Amy Winehouse (no, I am not surprised, yes, it's still sad) - it's enough to make me want to want to crawl under the covers and never come out. See? I warned you that I was sensitive! To prove it further, here is a list of Three Things That Will Always Make Me Cry (But Not The Notebook, Which Was Really, Really, Stupid.)

1. Love deferred, then ultimately denied. These are the kinds of movies and books I love! Couples torn apart by circumstance (preferably World War II) and a. never seeing each other again, or b. seeing each other again, and then one of the lovers coughs into a handkerchief and sees blood and you know it's only a matter of time before they are dead.

2. Men crying. (I can't even think of this without feeling queasy.)

3. "The Song Remembers When" by Trisha Yearwood. The song is about...a song. More specifically, the power of memory, and how hearing a particular song can take you instantly back to a time and place you either remember fondly or would rather scoop out of your head with a grapefruit spoon. I promise the lyrics are more poetic than that. If I had to list all the songs that make me tear up, this would be a long, long list, so I just picked one that encompasses all the rest.

What is it about crying? Why do some people tear up at just about anything, and others are able to play things closer to the vest? That said - I am glad that I am a crier. It can be embarrassing and overwhelming, but you will always know how I feel.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happiness is a Warm Gun (or, The Magic iPod).


I have been in almost a coma of unhappiness this week, for about 6.5 reasons. It's been so bad that when the cashier at my neighborhood grocery store asked, "How are you today? Find everything you were looking for?" I wanted to say, "Actually, no. I did not. Perhaps it is because you don't carry a cure for the shattered hopes wrought by too many years watching insipid chick flicks, reading Jane Austen, and listening to pop music."

Five of the reasons for my gloomy disposition are too personal to delve into at the moment, but the other one and a half are as follows:

1 - Incessant fighting with progeny (twin school-aged girls) on the eve of a long summer trip to see in-laws and other family;

.5 - The inability of local dining establishments to produce a Tomato-Basil Soup that does not taste like tepid pizza sauce in a bowl.


When I am in this state, only two things help assuage my misery: prayer, and divination. (Three, if you include New York Times crossword puzzles, although their difficulty often brings forth severe anxiety relating to my potential as future Mensa member.) Prayer is personal and introspective, requiring little more than a quiet place and some concentration. Divination, however, needs tools.

The ancients were big fans, with oracles and their attendant priests or priestesses being quite the rage. Perhaps the most popular spot was the oracle at Delphi, until the Christians put an end to it. (Apparently getting high off the fumes billowing from the spring and predicting the future was deemed kind of pagan.) Plenty of other options sprung up to fill the basic human desire to know the unknowable: horoscopes, tarot, magic eight balls (The kind you shake, not the kind you consume. Although that COULD lead to some visions, I suppose...) All of these pale in comparison to my favorite fortune-telling device: my iPod.

Scoff not! My iPod is wise, all-knowing, never wrong! I admit, my musical taste is eccentric at best, laughable at worst - and yet - no matter. This is how it works. I concentrate. Squint my eyes. Ask a question. Press the 'forward' button ONCE. (The iPod is on 'shuffle', and I must accept the result. No pressing again.) LO AND BEHOLD! An answer appears. Let's give it a go, shall we?

1. Will I ever be happy again?
Tom Petty - "Even Walls Fall Down". That's actually a good one!! Nice and hopeful.

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
But if I never do nothing
I'll get you back some day

2. Will my children be functioning members of society?
U2 - "A Day Without Me". I'm going to take that as a yes. Yay!

3. Should I work at becoming a more bloggy blogger?
Elton John - "I Want Love". Now, other than the fact that this random selection seems to point to the fact that my musical tastes are decidedly middle-aged (I plead the fifth...) I think this says it all.

Experimenting with adding music to the blog! Click on the streampad player below, or just click on the song.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Scar Tissue
U2 - One
Tom Petty - Here Comes My Girl