Friday, September 23, 2011

Mama Mia (Here I Go Again).

It's a Friday night, and being that I am old, I am here in my most favorite cozy grey v-neck and questionable pants and not out and about gallivanting with young whipper-snappers. I am futzing around on time-wasting websites, because I don't have to wake up early in the morning and I have decided that watching a U2 tribute band at the local casino might be a trifle disappointing. Here is a sampling of my adventures on the interwebs.

If you would like to polish your trash-talking skills, visit the Pirate Oath Insult Generator. In no time, you'll be able to hang tough with Jack Sparrow and his gang, flinging such gems as "Have a face full o' me boot, ye jelly-boned thumb sucking crud bucket!" (Are ye shiverin' in yer boots yet, matey?) I am sure this is bound to come in handy one day. In fact, I think I will try it on the next telemarketer that calls! Everyone needs goals.

I may be one of the only people in America who is not particularly fond of Oprah Winfrey. No matter that I subscribe to her magazine (it's very good!), or that I am immensely awed by her talents and accomplishments. She just seems a little fake around the edges, and no matter how many cars and houses she gives away, it's all a little "Look at me! I'm so RICH! And generous!" (Full disclosure: I tend to also avoid movies featuring Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks. Hope I don't get my passport revoked.) No matter! I will partake in Oprah-fy Yourself to see what I would look like as the icon herself. Let's check out the results:

Hmmm. That's kind of how I look in the morning if I've gone to bed with my hair wet. Check out the shoulder pads, though!

Have you always wanted a super-hero name, but just couldn't think of a fitting one? Try the Super Villain Name Generator! Some of the names aren't super-scary, though. Mine is The Terrible Cat-Stroking Werner Van DooDoo. (Well, evil villains usually ARE stroking a cat, so this actually seems lazy and repetitive! Let me try again: The Loony Admiral Otto Sabreface. Better.)

Sometimes we don't want just what the doctor ordered. We want to order it ourselves! In that case, visit Custom Prescription Maker, but don't call me if you get arrested trying to get Vicodin or Oxy. The virtual doctor's handwriting isn't illegible, so nobody would mistake it for a real prescription anyway. (Clive Owen as Manservant was supposed to be on the list, but ended up in the date box instead. I guess I got a bit excited by the prospect!)

OOH! This is one of my favorites! One of the things I should have added to the "Things You Must Know About Me" blog entry is explained by this graph. If I call you, text you, send you an email, and you don't respond in approximately...5 seconds, I will think:

a. you have died
b. you wish I never existed
c. your phone is a piece of crap and you never received the message

It's never because:

a. you have a job and a life
b. you are sick after eating bad sushi at lunch
c. you forgot your phone at home

I blame this on the fact that I am a Leo that was not hugged enough as a child. (Kidding, mom! Sort of.)

If you don't know what the VIX is, that just means you don't read The Economist enough, and well, can't help you there. Maybe the playlist will make you feel better!


  1. I CANNOT tell you how much I love that Oprahfication! It makes me so unbelievably happy! And, dude, those shoulder pads look massively ... enhanced.

  2. Suze: I am glad it makes you happy!! Those shoulder pads probably have some sort of girding underneath (actually, perhaps Oprah herself was enough! Ha!).

  3. Oh how fabulous to meet you!!!! THANK YOU FOR COMING AND LEAVING A COMMENT and your writing is exceptional and very entertaining!!!!! HAPPY WEEKEND, Anita

  4. I feel a certain responsibility to answer this message so I don't get the Maggie Freakout effect, ha ha!

    I used to be a Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks fan, but now I find myself avoiding their movies like the plague (can't really explain the phenomenon.) Particularly the new ones.

    Love your Oprah look. Those shoulder pads really do compliment your hair ;-) ha,ha! (Sad, but true confession: I did look like that as a teen in the 80's! Add braces and glasses to "the look")

  5. Anita! So nice to meet you! Thank you so much for stopping by, and for saying such kind things!

    Elizabeth: I try, I try...:)

    Lorena: Good thing you answered quickly! :) I don't know what it is about those two - they just aren't that entertaining to me. And I know I shouldn't say this, but Brad Pitt isn't either. I think he's a handsome devil, but he never disappears into a role, in my opinion. Julia is prettier now than ever, though! Must be that Taos air...

    I think we ALL kind of looked like that in the 80's! Although I was a fan of sweater dresses and long strands of pearls (shudder). Braces and glasses MAKE the look!

  6. Hi Maggie,
    I don't know where you came from, but out of the blue seems likely. Thanks a lot for visiting my blog, but MOSTLY, thanks for giving me such a good laugh to start my day off. I've read a couple of your recent posts and am just jelly - wish I could write funny as well as you do.

  7. Is there the remotest chance that you have just the tiniest tad too much spare time?

    OK, perhaps this is life-enhancing and of great value after all.

  8. Hello Deborah, thank you for stopping by! I can't remember how I found you - but I am sure it was through a comment on another blog. I am so happy to make you laugh, which brings me to the point...

    Friko! The point being that some days I have no time, and others, perhaps too much, and doing these sorts of posts is better than ruminating on the fact that I regret not studying classical languages at Oxford. I could be doing a damn fine of retranslating The Odyssey. Or Beowulf. Which is not in a technically classical language, is it. See?

  9. Aha, it's through Friko, my slightly snarky but lovable friend that your path might have crossed mine. Doesn't matter, but I had another laugh to see her here. She's worth hanging on to, just for her pithy comments.

  10. my son will probably find the pirate oath insult generator hilarious in a couple of years. Some websites are absolute time-wasters but good for a giggle every now and then.

  11. You found some very fun things to do online. I'm The Jealous Dentist Cedric Isotope. I'm not sure that has a ring to it. :)

  12. Deborah: What isn't to love about the "slightly" snarky Friko? :)

    Loree: A lot of websites are a waste, but every now and then, we need something that just takes our mind away from the everyday and to laugh a bit.

    M Pax: HA HA HA! I love your name. It sounds like a recipe for world domination!

  13. haha! love your web hopping journal - and esp love the Rx - clive owen as manservant def needs to stay on the list.

    ok, now i'm off to read the last post i missed..

  14. Amanda: Even if Clive were to sit in a chair and allow me the pleasure of looking at him and nothing else, I would be happy!! (Ok. Maybe a bit of a cuddle?)

  15. Ah, too funny, and I love that prescription maker! :)

  16. WritingNut: Thanks for your visit! If you get in trouble with the prescription maker, don't blame me! :)

  17. Some 'o them insults seem more redneck than pirate to me, but nevertheless, Come 'ere an' have a cutlass sandwich ye jumped up grass combin' chunk 'o bat spit!

    :D ALMOST as good as hamsters and elderberries!

  18. I like the The Maggie VIX, probably because I have the same sort of thinking or because I am also a Leo. Or both.
    And, I don't like Oprah either. Maybe if she didn't give away so much stuff or if she didn't act like she was the Queen, then maybe I would like her. Maybe not.

  19. Kimmy: Chunk o' bat spit!! I love it!

    Rubye: Oh, thanks for your visit!! Leos really are the cat's meow, aren't they? :) As for Oprah, I will say that I want to be nice because eventually perhaps she will choose my (not-yet-finished) novel as one of her Picks, and I don't want to get all Jonathan Franzen on her!

  20. What a lovely post to read on a drab Monday. :) I adored the Pirate Oath Insult Generator and I'll check out the Oprah link.